In the last 3-4 months, I interviewed at one of the best lifestyle companies in the US and was also offered a freelance gig at my former company in the city I loved.
All the while working at, now-my-former job with a team I adored, in a place I knew would never be home.
I have never felt incredibly lucky and riddled with anxiety all at once. Do you choose stability and stay in the job that you could most likely be promoted but in a city your likelihood of dying alone is above 95%, in a job that also isn't right for you? Or do you go for the job where you know you can grow as a creative, work & learn amongst people you admire as creatives and people but in a city that you also know you'll always think what if .... because you got offered a long-term freelance position in the company you never wanted to leave in the first place, in the city you never wanted to leave? The only other other city you love beyond the city you grew up in? The city that you prayed and promised yourself you would move back to within one year or less*, if it wasn't your hometown?
In between working, weighing out pro & cons, business travel and working on a project for one company, my dear friends had to listen to me bitch and bemoan the what if's scenarios.... my dear friends....
After some severe insomnia, stress-induced weight fluctuation and months of deliberation, I'm back in the city I love, in the company I never wanted to leave the first time.
Once again scared shitless, scared that I gave up the monetary safety of my job, the title of my job, my wonderful team...that I gave up the opportunity to work somewhere new in aforementioned, one of the best lifestyle companies, that I burned that bridge when I decided to pursue the less stable and prohibitively expensive option.
Funnily enough, with all those WTF moments, the uncertainty of my future in all aspects, I know this where I'm supposed to be, at least now. Even when the scaredy cat, which is me, wants to go run to somewhere safe...my only true fear is that I forget all the lessons I learned the past few years and think that I'm not worthy of this city and all those here.
Then I remember this:
1. My current job IS at the company I never wanted to leave because- it's the company that made want to me a lifestyle designer before I even knew that job existed.
2. The people here grow me as a creative and I feel intimidated, then come to find out I like these people...like for real like.
3. That I'm in a city where I can walk all the time- fun fact, old city I averaged approx 200-500 steps, if I wasn't running, here; weekday 6,000, weekend up to 15,000 or more.
4. The future isn't written.
5. I can't tell others to be brave if I'm not willing to be in the arena with them. Fuuuuuck. Fuck it.
* I got the opportunity to move within 7 mo of deciding that I would leave that city- serendipitous, huh?